whats behind my X-fiLe?

this is the story.
and then i think i sux. and then, after extracting some info from the X-file, its time to give up.
screw it, i knew it all along.

lets walk out, i mean,
im going and need to walk out silently.

its so painful.
dig the feeling.
plz, dont.



am i back yet? nightmare and reality, its no difference anymore. pure pain only

a friend in need

today my mum wasnt at home due to some medical stuff, and i need a ride to town, badly. how bad? if i missed it, its either im going to drive myself or face with...termination.

Gee, i wasnt prepared for any of that.

Guest in the end, who i managed to call up?

Its Omstar@Malau *Malau means monkey in CAntonese if u r wondering*

After all this time im doing good and taxi`ing people around, now i get to feel back how it is to be helped or rescued when in need. even now its still 1 hour early, i dont know the Malau able to wake up or not, well its worth to trust at least, should i say my only gamble i can do? anyway,let u all take a peek of his face.

this quite *cough* noob looking face, is few years ago.

and this is now, happily in love...

Well, its time to go. I started to felt sleepy. Damn.I hope Malau able to wake up or i will be all farked up and down.
PeacE.

grounding.

1 month didn’t update already. This duration, a lot of things happened. Lets see. Happy things should be, I get a WeXL voucher because of good service. So with the voucher, im entitled for free meal worth RM30 at some selected outlets. On 8th of October, our group have been selected as the best service group, and so we had our dinner with our AM’s and manager. Its good to have a get-together once in a while. 10th October is my birthday. But on the eve, already im having some friends to accompany me. I never wanted this at 1st, as I would like to have my own time walking around, alone, which is more to my style.

After finished work at 6pm on 9th October, I wanted to take the Skyway but bumped into Casdeny. Among all, she’s the one who accompanied me a lot, and im sure I bored her to the max. Justin and Audrey came later. Overall, am I happy? I don’t know. Friends and family messaged and called me to wish me. But the most daring is, I confessed to a female, I was so nervous and shocked I couldn’t believe myself. The next day, colleagues wished me, and some guest also. Overall it’s a happy day. At night they celebrated my birthday at Be A Star Karaoke. Special guest Tung Yeh also there. Bad timing coz im having a soar throat but since they wanted to, then let it be.

I saw her. My feeling became so mixed up. I felt like leaving the place, but I know I got to carry on. I know that I already grow up. I can control myself. But they all can see that I wasn’t happy. True, I couldn’t enjoy. Anyway, im a loner. I am not used to this kind of situation of celebration with a lot people and being the main man. They sang me birthday songs and we had cake. It was so touching also, im abit speechless. I am happy but couldn’t accurately express it. Whole night I couldn’t sleep after accompanying Tung Yeh.

On 11th , I made a move and to confess to the girl, face to face. It was hell nuts a lot tougher doing that. I was so afraid. Inside, my bones and organ, trembling. My heart beat could have beaten any disco beats. The outcome? Still remain a greatest mystery. Let time become decide the outcome. Well, one burden lifted, another follows. Now, what should and can I do to capture mission objective?


Ok, update about working performance. Overall this month learned quite a lot, and done QUITE a lot mistakes as well. Almost each time I will face different scenario, and I get numerous scolding for being late to submit my report etc. I will just take it as ‘part of learning’. Sometimes, its really de-motivating, with angry superior and not so friendly senior colleague. I don’t know whats the reason I keep going on. Maybe I’ve matured a little.


Whole month, I wasn’t getting enough sleep. And sick for whole month. Thanks to man made haze in the room, the smoke breathing dragons in my room. Needed to talk with guests during soar throat, its like eating some burning charcoal. Beside having a lot of leg muscle spasm, I think I am too stressed from the daily work. For 1 whole week, my sleep were disturbed by things from work; looking for TU2 machine, Manager looking for me, mistaken about the time, and looking for guest passport. Its tiring.


And to end my month, we had training. 4 days. So I got to mix with new colleagues and tried to learn as much as possible. Well I cant cram any shit into my head at the moment. How much I hoped that I wasn’t sick, and then I might able to read some when im off. I know after training, im eligible to get screwed if I didn’t do well. Haha. Too numb to do anything. I couldn’t take my car to service and upgrade. The only things I’ve done, were getting a hair cut and visit grandpa. Too lazy to pack up my stuff to go back.


Peace and love you all readers!!!

overnumb..

cant answer me till the end.
scream without raising voice.


very damn numb,wanted to sleep but cant.its killing me soon i know that.
and it excites me,stimulates me and keeps me going.
hardly feel any shyte...
thank you.
it wasnt awesome.

its scar on melody.
if u know what im saying.....

clown

Am i a clown ?
I dont want to be 1.
But if u think i am,
I rather be a happy,
Than a sad and lonely clown,
My life's a joke,sometimes,
And I always wanted it to be a happy one,
So i will be happy always,
Having fun as long im alive.

I believe the are always cloud up in the sky,
For they will provide shade from sunray for a moment,
Just a moment, pleasure in disguise,
Whats more beautiful than this view?

~I'll be fine,when I'm loving you~

this is what, and not whats that.

this is wat bro SS answered me when i asked him to choose wether we work for money or interest.well i said that, at this moment, i would go for money.this is wat he said;

~ well, you need money to survive.you can be a casino marketing for a year or 2, but do you picture urself doing this for the rest of ur life? If you want to be sucessful, you have to have the passion in your job. if you like the casino job, then go for it. money is a by product of ur sucess.
Money is not the main product. no one will be statisfy with money. But people can be statisfy by a working on a job which they like~

fcuk, how can i possibly forget about this? but sadly $$$ is what that poisoned my pure mind and soul at 1st. but, some did answered me, how do u survive without $$$? with $$$ u can do alot things, when u got enough $$$, u can back to interest. yes, both have correct point.

Bcoz both have correct point, i dont know which 1 to choose. Eventually time is running out. Im afraid of wrong decision. the human greed is always there. i think its ok to save some $$$ and back to the interest some other time. what you think?

graduation. InvasioN!!

<-- group photo

last Saturday is my convocation. finally after 2 years, which for me personally its not that short or long, but im sure i do enjoy studying at college. ok so that day, happy and sad, both feeling mix together. the world was spinning slowly when i look around, looking everyone face. Happy because can graduate but sad because im leaving all this ?

                           

my emotion on that time can be suited with the song," Leaving on JetPlane".. there was alot meaning in this song, for example, leaving some1 we love. headache.. when i listen to this songs, i will remember few people,namely eiLeen. she loves this song so much.

quite some times didnt work, or play in the kitchen already. the interest start to drift. passion begin to fade. i dont know which way i should go ...

however, there is the last gamble to enter back the line.. luck, be with me.

p/s: lynny, i really wanted to get u choco but i abit bz. sori ok

am i really that bad?

These few days involved in some heavy drinking. Before this most recent experience, I used to drink and get drunk and get high and forget, sleep and then wake up. On Friday it was Tiger and Royal Stout.

So I just getting a little high and overdid it abit, and found myself still unable to sleep until 6am. Sigh. First time drinking alone till get drunk. Usually 1st bottle is more than enough and its too bored.

Skip to Saturday night, where the serious drinking was. Beer, red wine, some V.S.O.P and I had gone wild at the dinner, and 2nd round at the bride’s house. I was fucking drunk but I still can talk and act normally. Almost throw up but control, but I didn’t dare to drive luckily cousin bro with me. I cant remember much of the conversation I had with anyone there. But I remember I do crap about marketing stuff and taunting some direct sales company with my godmother’s son. I put up a good show there by gulping down every single beverage over there that contains alcohol.

Challenging part is, I manage to drive home safely. What I remembered is some guy, don’t know he was drunk or what, tried to stop me, flagging me to stop, but I was too drunk and luckily I didn’t ran over him.

Another challenge is to drive uphill which I manage to do well. when I arrived in front of home, don’t know why I start calling people in my contacts, but damn, none answer me. It wasn’t that late considering that time only around 1240 am. And don’t know how long inside the car, what I realize is next I was sweating heavily, and I managed to muster strength walk out and swing into bed. When I woke up at 4am, I felt extremely bad. I couldn’t sleep but the alcohol effect still kicking in.

It feels like dengue all over again. This time, not only I unable to get drunk and sleep well, forgetting everything but instead feeling the pain.

I realize I couldn’t escape the pain and reality.

A for apple?

So, no choice but to wake up. Tired as usual so both of us late abit, skipped those bath and stuff, coz its 7.35am d. Arrived there on time la. Today for my station, only me and Ian. He was quite busy as he need to take care the front line and teach me as well. I can feel how he felt, coz I’ve been in that position before. By the way, the storage, chiller and freezer and preparation area quite small, so when all those stocks arrived, and no 1 to clear them, the whole place become damn packed. And then no place to move, and when I want to take things also become a problem.

Damn. I hate this. Ok and then there was funny gay thing, that is when u get an order from the waiter/waitress etc, instead of ok or I get it, u got to say TQ. Err. TQ for what? Noob la. When I was checking how to do some orders, I just realize that its way too easy, and u can finish 1 order in less than 10 steps. Effortless. Same goes with mise en place. Get the preparation card and gather the ready-mix ingredient and then mix together with ur chicken or beef etc. Ta daaa. Kaw tim. I feel like a retarded chef from kindergarten. LoL. U don’t get to custom made orders, decoration stuff and even cutting vegetables also uses machine. I know every1 wanted to make it fast, but all this wasn’t what I looking for. No more standing in front and talk with guests, cook in front them etc but bound to the gay work and gay rules. Even I’ve learned every single thing in the kitchen, what else then? I might just be another "somebody" at Chili’s. Only at Chili. The job is far from a chef job.

Today is 2nd day ady. I’ve tried to love the job, but I guess I failed. I felt so stressed. My heart wasn’t at Chili or with me. I know I don’t like this, but I forced myself to carry on at least for 1 month. And then I set back to 2 weeks only. Sigh. Around 9 something went to eat. In the room, I’m too tired d. trying to sleep. But on my mind, its turning fast, thinking hard. Im having some serious self conflict. I talk with Kevin.

Finally after some discussion and decision making, I’ve decided that I cant force myself to take another day at the place that I don’t like, at all. I’ve never felt like this before. Even I don’t like, but I still can carry on but this time, I just give up. After announcing the answer to Kevin, I felt relieved and alive again. Sleep happily then. Wake up around 8, but continue to sleep back. No phuck.

Penang; beach, hokkiens, char kuey tiaw, Chili's. What else?

ok,cant run away ady. yesterday was coz "car havent wash etc, havent pack clothes, sumthing amiss, and dont feel like going"...

but now, no matter what, cant say that d. no turning back, just 1 way to Penang, and work at Chili's. Reluctant abit ler.

ok, now i still havent pack my stuff. summore later need to wake up early alot things to do...
and i want to watch some tvb vcd 1st. car belum cuci, apply those water repellent.so what time should i start my journey?kan jeong la. dont know can wake up anot. lately i cant wake up early jor.sked la. work that time, lagi sked.

by the way,i've teach 2 elaine and tiff bake cheese cake.its nice anyway. wonder whats other that i can eat next time i come back? haha. im hungry as always ^.^


shud go bath now. allocate just 20 min to pack and then sleep.if havent done then wake up and continue :)

tension la..

~o dew. just rmbr havent fill the convo form. dew.
mafan la

who's gonna take away the pain that i feel?

suddenly the feeling like, so ,dont know how and what to xplain. blur and saw alot vision. dont know which to go and what to do. need to cool down and think of it.

anyway supposely go to Penang on Saturday noon. but alot things havent do and havent pack stuff up,so change to Sunday. Duh..

work 1st la, then decide how. work, work. do i really like the work?

2day get a letter from college,about convocation. Diu, nid to do alot stuff,like survey la, submit form la, rehersal, this and that,payment oso want dis and that. ma9Lanfan. later nid to think how to settle this 1st.

VS or GC 1st? or both?

~wish me luck for my very 1st job~

just some jokes ^^

One day, an uncle was driving on the highway in his CLK (cute littlekancil) when the engine started to choke.

He quickly stop the car by the side just in time before the engine died off. So, the uncle open the hood and see la.Just a few minutes after, a young man was cruising in his MitsubishiLancer Evo 6 on the same highway. He quickly spotted the brokendown kancil with the uncle standing beside it alone.

Being a kind man,he pulled over right in front of the kancil to offer help.Having very little engineering skills, the young man couldn't fix theproblem. The man then came up with a brilliant idea. He told the uncle that he has a cable in his boot and offered to tow the kancil to the next toll house where he could get help. The uncle agreed to that idea.

The uncle also added that if he feels that they are moving too fast, he would flash the young man and also use the horn. So, the young man secured the kancil to the back of his Evo using the cable.

And so, the young man drove off pulling the kancil behind it. At times when they were moving too fast, the uncle would give the man a horn.After driving for a while, a loud engine roar approach from the back. guess what, a Ferrari was approaching the 2 cars. As the Ferrari came up beside them, it gave a loud engine rev to challenge the Evo.With the flame of youth burning in him, the Evo driver downshift and rocket off chasing the Ferrari while totally forgetting about the CLK tied to him.

Just up ahead on the highway, a couple of police officers were performing a speed trap. They suddenly hear loud engine roars followed by turbo blow offs sounds approaching them.

Vrrrooooommm...........kepish kepish......

After recording the speed, one of the police officer quickly used the radio to contact the others setting a roadblock up ahead.

"Over over... this is checkpoint 1 calling checkpoint 2. Do u read?!There are currently 3 street racers heading your way at over 240km/h!!!The first car is a red Ferrari, you can't miss it. Following closely behind is a white Lancer Evo!!! For the third car, you're not going to believe this. It's white kancil. I repeat, it's a kancil. It's drifting very closely behind the Lancer Evo. Not only that, the driver seems to be flashing high beams towards the Evo while applying horn to tell himto move away. I think it's going to overtake the Evo at the nextbend...!!!"

and then ..

It’s the 4th day since we all started our semester break, and it’s the last one for most of us. I still miss every of them. I still felt the loneliness cause I am alone mostly all the time, and a lot time to think this kind of thing. Everyday I think of what to do to kill the time, and for me, sleeping is the best solution coz I cant think anything and time pass by then. Still, there will be some hours in the midnight where I would be awake and wept abit, before continue to sleep. The separation really pain to my ass, for sure. But through pain and separation, I’ve learned to appreciate them. I hope I can treasure every moment in the future when we got to meet again. Each time I play DotA or CS, my memories with my gang will come back, and also when I’m listening to certain songs. T_T

I always tell myself to stop crying and thinking about the sad things, and look forward to the future, things I need to do and make life wonderful and meaningful everyday. Hard, but I must learn to. I still got around 13 days to hang around before going for training at Penang.
Training should be the ending of my current chapter, and after graduation, perhaps I am working then, that will be my life new chapter.

Before this a senior told me that she will choose to continue studies after training coz she miss studying and friends etc. At that time I dismissed that coz I am bored with examination and assignments, frustration towards people around me. When its almost my time to finish studying, its my turn to felt so. When I left my primary&secondary school, I never wept of felt sad, coz I hate that a lot. But Kampar and TAR College, its totally different.

But when I think of going back time so I can change something, enjoy something or whatever thing, I will remember that Kitou Aya from “1 Liter of Tears” at 1st also had the same thought, but at last she able to accept it and continue to live on without thinking about going back. I should think the same way also, even deep inside had some feeling of regret.

Thanks for the wonderful and sad memories, knowledge and advises that you all gave me.

DFS- KuanYee,Mang How,Chucky,Stanley,Kevin,Chee Lai,Tambi,Ah Wai,Weng Leong,Bin Jau,Li Ling, LuLu,Ah Guan, Siao Ying,Wei Bin,Kah Yan,Li Peng,Chee Kong,Lu Ting,Ah Hock,Andrew,Eileen,Ah Bao,Jin Thien,Sann Pinn, lastly icE ^^ Some I might less talk with them but that doesn’t mean that u being left out. I remember everyone deeply!

DHT2-BJ,Andy,Loon,Kit,Kent,Johny,Kevin,Rick. These few people particularly leave a lot memories inside me, I mix with them more. And then it would be those that I get to know also; Rachel,regina,erin,danise,jingyii,marcus,suet jee,yin phing,zhen yen,wai wai,wy gynn,Jeffrey. Some name I might left out coz my memories sux, sorri k? even we different class but still we get to mix together,peace and love u all.

Kani Inc. – This group is co-founded by me and ah wai at 1st semester. We are the vanguard team, we go here and there to do funny stuff together. U can find me,ah wai,Edwin,Kevin ong,rick,tambi,Kevin lee walk around and do stuffs together.funny.shared a lot crap stuff.

-=]Myth[=- consist of icE@me,skyheart@loon,fucktak@kit,abu@chee lai,Johny@johny,Meow Jiu@Kent,BJ,Ah Bao,Tambi. We pwned a lot ppl together especially sem 2.im happy during that time,and also till now. When meet again must pwn ppl kaw kaw,k?will there still be champion leader? =]

Rockstar Studio – this place is cool, I’ve learn a lot things about music here, even I cant play them ^^ Im introduced to a lot kind of music, and I like them also. There, I tied my relationship with another group of friends; Ah Loong,Ah Fan,Tungyeh,Mel,Kevin&Stanley.ya all play great music and i like them much ^^

Kakimoto Racing,N Gen 2, SocketHead – it’s the car team stuff, where I get to know a lot people that had some interest and I get knowledge about cars from some of them and then share it with other.

My juniors – not ordinary but good friends, Daph,Soon,Steph,John, and some else that I cant remember the name.Sorry again.

And then other students and people that I get to know for this 2 years, too much till I cant list down them, but I keep u all in my heart all the time, coz u all shaped my heart,fills my mind and helped me grow. Thanks for everything.

My total regret- Move out and didn’t stay in contact with my friends, till now its haunting me, especially my bro;BJ. Sorry k? love u much !!

Finally to the girl that I had liked so much, but didn’t like me back, I will still remember you, coz im crazy over you.hehe

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT NOTE!!
Those friends that read this, plz do sms or call me la. Me everyday very boring and no mood.
Whoever else also, come and “yo” me la. Don’t have my number? Send me a message and I will let you know ^.^ Even u r not from the list, or from KTAR also nvm, most important is “yo” me !!!my hp is very silent lately .


~i c E @ KP~

why r u sad?

Today is really a sad day. Since week 14 till now, most of the day I am not so happy, cause in my mind, there is something bugging, that is the thought about what will happen after exam. Everyone leaving Kampar, especially from hospitality management, where we will undergo industrial training at different hotels and resorts, and at different department. Yesterday night after Johny birthday bbq, some of us from DFS that is me, Chee Lai, Kevin Lee, Omega Thumbsie. All them are from DHT. After the cake cutting ceremony, where almost all pictures taking and stuff had ended, those remaining gather around and start to talk, and finally it becomes like individual speech from everyone there. Starting from Andy , BJ and so on, everyone gave some words to each other, comments, voice out dissatisfaction and talk a lot sad stuff, the situation very touching especially where the girls started to weep. Even I am not from their class, but the speeches are very touching, I also almost cried. Its too long to be stated here, so I just let it be at my heart and mind and also to all present there. After DHT2 classmates finished their speeches, they gave us the chance to talk also. Chee Lai said that im good, even im not sure in what sense. But its good that someone said so, and appreciate me. When its my turn, I didn’t talk so much and in detail cause I am not prepared and don’t know what to talk. But after that I got a lot things that I wanted to tell them all.
You all, should know who I am mentioning, that’s all of you, all leave me a good and deep memories, I cant let go of it, and it makes me sad. Everyone is so good, friendly and funny. I came to Kampar without knowing anyone, and making friend with all strangers is different. Each taught me a lot things that, helped me always, I was damn happy. CS and DotA bring us all together. Those glory time, really happy together.
Today when I sent Ah Tung, Andy, Tambi to bus station, I was really sad, when Tambi hugged me, when Ah Tung said want to wait until I drive away 1st, and when BJ told me he is about to go. I rushed to meet him but he already gone. I was damn sad. BJ, the one that treat me good and like brother, share my problems and stuffs, help me in finding songs, he is definitely my happy fruit. We getting close during when he moved to beside my old place. I always drop by to their place and especially his room to lepak and talk stuff. Our contact lessen when I moved out. I’m sad. Really a lot I wanted to tell you. Like Tungyeh, I’ve already listen to your voice and singing for 2 semester, when I watch the video "You Are The 1", I saw all the faces that I miss, im really sad also. Time had passed, only regret left.
Today really heart broken. Cause I know, after this, we are only left as memories. Really hate to accept this. Really hope friends can remain forever, especially all those that treat me so good. Today cried like a baby. Eyes very painful and tired already. Face also pain coz the tears is salty ><> think of to write, but unable to continue much. Got to rest soon. Lack of sleep. Good nite and I love you all. Even some I might didn’t mention, but that doesn’t means that ya all didn’t get a place in my heart, just it will be a novel if I continue to write.

so cham start to sick already ><